Infertility and Blessings - Mood Swings, Mixed Emotions, and Baby

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I was so excited to get pregnant with Aidan and so very thankful for the blessing that God had given us - this second chance at parenting - that while I was pregnant with him, I promised Steve I would not pursue any more children through infertility treatments. Going through infertility treatments is draining emotionally and can be very hard on a marriage. You would think trying to create or enlarge your family would only bring you closer as a couple - which it does do - but it is extremely rough, also. There are so many things that go on emotionally that you are definitely not yourself. You have all of the emotions of not being able to get pregnant, the negative test results every month, the ups and downs just within a 28 day period...it definitely takes it toll on an individual and a marriage.

To give you an idea of just a touch of the emotions of a cycle, here is what can happen emotionally during those days. The first few days you're not fun to live with, as is anyone, but you do have hope for this cycle. Then begins the medications - which do not make you a pleasant person because of all the "artificial" hormones that are raging through your body. The medications make you almost psychotic. They cause you to go up and down, but mostly down, and as for me, I was a real witch during that time. Conversely, there is hope. Excitement about the possibilities. Then the every other day ultrasounds to see if you might, just maybe, be producing follicles. And the excitement when you see that you are, indeed producing follicles. And the frustration when the follicles aren't growing fast enough or are slowly forming or disappear or burst. And then the excitement again when everything is ready to go and you get another shot to cause the follicles to "ovulate." Then the wait until you can do inseminations, which are pretty "uncomfortable" at best. Followed by taking it easy and the waiting game. Fourteen days of waiting, to be precise. All during that time, you are imagining that you are definitely pregnant, you just know it. And almost immediately on it's heals, you know that you are not and this month is one more month that did not work. Fourteen days of wondering "did it work?" "Will we have another baby in several months?" Finally, you get to go in to take the blood test....and then wait some more. This wait seems to take longer than the fourteen days because now you are waiting to see if it worked or not. The call that comes, you know, holds either ecstatic enthusiasm and possibilities or absolute devastation. And just statistically speaking, 99% of the time, it's devastation. And so begins the entire cycle again.

So you can imagine why I promised not to pursue it again and you can imagine my devastation when, within two hours of Aidan's birth, the realization that I promised something I knew I wouldn't be able to live up to. I knew I wanted another baby - and I knew I was willing to go through anything to get there. But I also knew that Steve was definitely not ready to hear that and definitely did not want to relive all of that again. So I didn't tell him right away, but I also knew that he knew what I was thinking and feeling.

We were told by my OB that the best possibility to get pregnant again was to try immediately, so we did do that. There was never a real "break" in trying to get pregnant; but I also was aware that while nursing the chances were low that I actually would get pregnant anyway.

I was determined to enjoy every bit of Aidan that I could and not wish away his babyhood. It is easy to complain and not enjoy everything about babyhood when you know you are going to have more children. When you are able to take for granted that there will be more children and it is just a matter of time, you can "waste" those early days/months/years. I know I did with Austin, because I knew there would be more some day. With Aidan, I did not have the luxury and it did help me to enjoy most aspects of a newborn. There are still bad days and there are still things you aren't thrilled about, but all in all, I enjoyed my finite time with Aidan much more.

Obviously, as time went on, I realized I was not going to be in that percentage of women who are blessed with another baby right away. I knew that it was going to take more and I was very ready to try again by the time Aidan was a year old. The question was....was Steve??

Prayers please

I hesitated to write this entry, but have decided the more prayers we have right now, the better.

Last week, I started spotting. When I went in on Thursday, my doctor thought I was nuts and couldn't find anything. Then, Friday night/Saturday morning, it became extremely heavy with a lot of "cramping." I finally called at what I thought was a more decent hour (5 am) and was told to get to the hospital. Of course, on our way, it slowed way down.

I realize this is my fourth pregnancy and I should know what contractions are, but I really don't. The last time I actually had any to remember was thirteen years ago. With the triplets, they were all in my back and massive, but did no real damage. So, when I had cramping, I thought it was just cramping. When they hooked me up, they realized nope, it really was contractions. I thought they were about 20 minutes apart, turns out they were 3-5 minutes apart. I was told that my doctor wanted to have me monitored for a few hours and some bloodwork, then he would come in to see me.

In the course of the next several hours, the bleeding really, really slowed down and the contractions spread out to every 10-12 minutes. When he came in, he saw the bleeding, but still couldn't find where it was originating. He is sure it is a small tear in the placenta, but he can't find where. I suppose that's a good thing, because it isn't big enough to find.

Because we were able to control the bleeding and the contractions (and my cervix doesn't work), he has decided to wait to deliver. I am only just over 36 weeks, so the longer little Miss can stay put, the better.

Since Saturday, I have had more heavy bleeding every day for several hours a day. When it isn't heavy, it's light, but it's constant. I have called him, like I was instructed to. I am supposed to monitor movement and make sure she is still moving. So far, she is. I go back in tomorrow for another regular check up.

This is very scary to me and I do not like it. It has been very stressful and I am seriously wishing this pregnancy would be over. That is not like me...I love being pregnant and while I am so excited to meet her, I want to meet her healthy and not early. But the stress is getting to me. I have prayed and prayed, leaving it to God, but that is difficult. I would appreciate your prayers for a healthy baby and as uneventful rest of the pregnancy as possible.

OB Appointment

I went in today for my one hour glucose and my regular OB check. Three weeks ago, my blood pressure was awful, so he made me come back early this month. Today, it was awesome. It was 124/72, with a trace of protein and some swelling. So although the bp is down, I still am exhibiting signs of preeclampsia. But not awful enough to warrant another early visit. Yay!

I lost the one pound I had gained, so that isn't so good. The baby is doing great. Her heartbeat was great, measuring on time, and is happy as a lark in there. She still is pretty lazy, but that's alright. She rolls more than kicks and get a ton of hiccups. Still no delivery date set, which is fine by me! It seems unreal to me that in a little over two months we will have another baby in the house. I just still can't seem to wrap my brain around it, but I am so excited. We finally have her car seat bought and ordered the swing...now we just have to finish cleaning out her room and painting it, putting together the crib, and all the little stuff. Shawna (my sister) and her kids are coming out to help me get everything together and spend time with us and I am so excited for her visit!

I did the one hour glucose and they messed that up. She called me back, drew my blood and said I could be on my merry way. I'm glad I've had the test a few times to know enough that I wasn't finished. When I asked her about the drink, she was all surprised and didn't realize that's what I was there for. So she got me the nasty beverage, I drank it down, then went back and got drawn again. I did flunk the flipping thing again....by a mere 8 points (148)! Apparently, I flunked it by 13 (153) with the triplets and still passed the three hour, so that's what I'm hoping for now. I do that next week. Fun, fun. Lots and lots of reading time, I guess.

OB Update

I went in today for another appointment. I am further along than I realized! I can't believe sometimes how fast this pregnancy is going, yet it seems to be taking forever for this new little family member to join us because we are so excited. An interesting phenomenon this time around is that I have no clue how far along I am. In every single one of my pregnancies, I have been able to say the exact number of weeks and days (and more than likely minutes and seconds if you really wanted to know!) that I was. Not this time. Now I have to check my e-mail signature. I know my due date, but forget it if you want an answer as to how far along I am. I listened carefully to my doctor and I now know I am 27 weeks pregnant. Wow! It seems amazing to think I am that far! It is also just shocking to me that I do not know how far along I am. I guess my brain just no longer works!

The appointment went, well....so-so. I gained one pound, so that was good. So far, I have just lost weight. I have no protein; yet. Baby's heartbeat was fabulous (168) and moving everywhere. Normally, this baby is very lazy, similar to Nathanial in utero. But when the doppler comes out, watch out. Not a fan, very similar to how Aidan was. I also measured right on for dates. The one teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, smidgen of a problem was my blood pressure. It is rising at a startling rate and was very high yesterday. Not good at all. Dr. H just said 'you can't have toxemia yet...you just can't. You got to 36 weeks with triplets!' And, technically, I do not. I have minimal swelling (I think) and no protein. Still, the blood pressure can be a sticking point for OB's. It was 142/102. Ouch! So I told him it was rather stressful to have to get seven people (kids + "the nanny") to his office on time; I could feel it rising on my way in; it's him making me nervous; it can't possibly be accurate. So he let me "rest" and we chatted about our respective teenagers. Yeah, like that's a good idea to bring the BP down! Not so much, it seems. Or I really am starting to have a problem....but that can't possibly be it. It was the exact same the second time. So now, yippee!, I get to go back in in three weeks so he can keep an eye on it. Yuck. I'm fearful he's going to start the dreaded 24 hour urine again.

Plus, next time, I (joy, joy) get to do the puke-inducing glucose test. He told me not to puke, they'd make me do it again. I told him I learned that lesson with the triplets. Still...it's disgusting. OK, normal people hate it. I despise pop...can't stand the fizz of it, the sugar of it, any part of it. If I am going to have pop because I have to, it has to be Coke or Dr. Pepper. Those are the only two I can even attempt to stomach. Sprite? Orange? No flipping way. Guess what the glucose is?? Extremely bubbly, very sugary, absolutely disgusting "Sprite" or "Orange" flavor. Is it really any wonder I want to hurl?? Not really...

With Aidan and the triplets, I failed the one hour test by a few measly points and ended up doing the three hour. Ohhh...now I get to drink even more nasty crap AND wait three hours. Only to end up passing the three hour with flying colors. I am hoping to pass just so I don't have to drink it again. Sadly, though, I will not be overwhelmingly disappointed if I do not pass it, because that means I get three non-stop hours of reading and vegging...totally uninterrupted! Is that sad?? To get excited to sit in a lab for 3+ hours??? Ah, well. No matter what, I need to pass it though. I cannot get GD this time...I just can't.

So while I had a very nice chat with my wonderful OB and his nurse, all in all, it wasn't a fantastic appointment. Please pray for my blood pressure...I know it sounds stupid to pray for that, but this little person NEEDS to stay put until September!!!

Wiggle, Wiggle!!!

I'm feeling movement!!! I am so excited! I have been thinking for the last few weeks that I was feeling something, but you know, not very sure. After five babies, I knew what I was feeling, but I kept doubting it because everyone says you can't feel a baby that early.

Today it is unmistakable. I (accidentally) made myself "regular" fully-loaded iced tea. I finished it about fifteen minutes ago and there is a party going on. I have felt about six kicks! They are still the little tiny ones, but they are getting stronger and definitely the baby. It's amazing. I love this part! To be reassured by the bean that everything is going well and he/she is doing good.

Just to Clarify...

Thought I'd better clarify. We do not know the sex of this baby. Aidan's quote is what it is because he is sooo excited for a sister and is convinced that this baby is a girl. I've tried telling him this baby could be another brother, but he has told me it cannot be. His exact words were "I have too many brothers, Mommy, for it to be another boy!" He is very funny and very convinced, but none of us have any idea what this baby is yet.

I didn't realize it was confusing, until after looking at it again, but we don't know yet. We will certainly find out though!!!