on my heart

I have had a difficult time lately trying to update the blog. I think what happens is that so much is going on, I can't keep up. Then I promise myself I will keep up and when I get a chance to catch up, I feel that I need to continue on with something that I am finding extremely difficult to put down on "paper." So I have decided that I will get back to posts about the mission trip when I am able to, and in the meantime, keep posting about what is going on. It will be less stressful that way.

I have struggled with what to say in this post; I'd love to update about family life, but I also would love to just share what is on my heart. Which is something I never really, completely do here, but just feel a desire to put it out there.

As I am approaching my 36th birthday, I have been thinking more and more about what is important. I am at a place that I always wanted to be at growing up. I always wanted to be married and have six children - and when I would think about that growing up, it always included five boys and one girl. I had never admitted that, but now, I often think that it is awesome how God prepared my heart and my desires for the ways in which he would later bless me. I know that He has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and it is amazing to see how His plan is perfect, even when I may question things and even when I have veered off of His plan for me. I am sometimes amazed at what I had "planned" (rather, desired) for myself - marriage; being a stay at home mom; having a lot of children - and what I didn't - not living in my hometown or close to family; living in a rural area; homeschooling. I also see how I used to think that I had a deep faith in God, but I really had only a faith of convenience. Now, I am continually seeking to grow deeper in relationship with Christ. Again, not at all what I expected out of my life looking back.

When life gets crazy or bad things happen, it can lead to feelings of helplessness or hopelessness and I forget about God's plan over my life. Looking back, though, I can always see how during each challenge, God has still been there and in actuality, each thing has made me stronger and more sure of who I am in Christ, because it causes me to lean on Him more. Do I think He purposely gives us difficult challenges? No. That would be the same as do we purposely make things difficult for our children.  But I do believe God uses difficult situations and our own mis-steps to bring us closer to Him. In the same way that, as a parent, I am heartbroken when one child does something or has something awful happen to them but I will be there for them to lean on and I will help them through it and I will try to teach them through it.

This year has been a year of many stressful challenges in our family. Life with a teen is difficult enough, but add in Asperger's with that teen and it complicates things even further. I have really learned to lean on God during times this year when I completely came to the end of what I could possibly do. When you have a child, you never imagine the hard times that may happen later. And when they happen, it can lead to feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy as a parent ("if only I was a better parent, this never would have happened"). We all have these perfect little visions of how our life is going to be and when that doesn't happen, we tend to - or at least I want to have a little pity party.

Having a larger family with many children, and having some of those children have special needs, can at times be very isolating. I think that is the single most difficult thing that I have learned to cope with, especially in the last year. Not many people understand the demands of a larger family and then compounding that with special needs children. It can be very lonely at times. I also adore spending time with my husband, so sometimes I don't even  want to go out with friends when I could be spending that precious time with him. I'm finally at a place now where I am perfectly OK with a lack of a "social life." I will have time for that later and for now, I am cherishing this small window of time when all of our children are here in our home. But I could not have honestly said that until very recently.

I am also learning where my gifts lie in serving God. I have been blessed with being a part of a ministry to help in our community and I am finding that I am extremely passionate about things I never imagined I would be. It has been such a blessing to be able to do what I do and to be able to serve God in this way. I have met some amazing people and am learning more and more what God's desire is and where His heart is. God moved in amazing ways during the mission trip and completely changed what I thought was important...or what I wanted to do for God instead of how He might have me serve Him.

So I never really share my heart, and especially not to the degree I have here today. I am praying that it is well received, but even if it is not, it is what it is. It is my heart and it is what has been on my mind lately. I am finally coming to a place where I am comfortable to just be me and not be concerned (as much) with what others may think about that. I am still working on that and will continue to, but at least I can finally start to feel OK with who I am....and who I am not.

Chicago Mission Trip: Prologue

It has been well over a year since Austin and I joined youth from our community on a mission trip to inner city Chicago. I originally had very good intentions to blog about it right away. I, obviously, have not. I have not written about it anywhere; except in my devotional journals while I was actually in Chicago. I have tried and tried to write about it, but for some reason, the timing was never right. What I actually believe is that I was not ready to write about it until now and Satan has really been oppressing me and discouraging me from putting my thoughts and words down.

It is really hard to explain, but even now, thinking about the trip and actually writing it all out -for everyone to see (whoever might want to read) is causing me a lot of anxiety. I want to share about our trip. I want to share about the absolutely amazing ways God ripped me out of my comfort zone and changed the entire course of my life in a few short days in a city not so far away. I desire others to know how God can work through us and in us and the amazing ways God will use your life if only you will let him. I believed that long before Chicago, but it wasn't until I was actually there that I could see crystal clear what He would do in me and through me, if only I was completely open to Him. I believe the anxiety comes from Satan, because he very much wants me to continue my silence in the ways God used that trip for His good and His purpose. I also know that many of the things I experienced are not easy to write out and talk about; not at all. I have not shared much with everyone in general because it would mean completely processing everything, and in a very real sense, reliving it all.

There are some things that came about as a direct result of that trip that I have prayed would be taken away from Austin. And it is hard to admit that I would pray against something that God chose to bless Austin with; but as a mom, I also see the spiritual battle it has thrown Austin into. I can pinpoint the exact moment God gifted Austin, and I can also pinpoint ways it changed him. I prayed that God would take it away; that Austin was far too young to have the gift he has; that Austin would not be able to "handle" it. Satan really attacked Austin from that trip and still is. In some ways, Austin recognizes it. In many ways, he does not. It's a daily, sometimes minute-by-minute spiritual battle for him, and also for us....as a mom, as his parents, as his family. It makes it harder that many people do not believe the power Satan has. Many people underestimate him. I  may or may not share the specific spiritual gift that Austin was blessed with. And yes, today I do view it as a gift and a blessing. I always have, it's just been hard to see my child have to go through what he has had to go through in the last year. But it is a blessing. Austin now knows exactly how real God is. I always thought he did prior to the trip, but that trip changed him and also brought him into a much deeper relationship with God. And I can only imagine the things that God must have planned for him, if Austin continues to seek Him and His will over his life, witnessing how very threatened Satan is by Austin. 

I was changed. Life changing things happened on that trip. There were a lot of amazing things that happened. I can't wait to share about them all.....yet, I also hesitate, only because I know it is going to be hard. 

This was a very powerful experience for me. You may think that things like this really can't happen; but they do. I plan on sharing exactly what happened during the trip and the ways in which we were all changed.  And I will never, ever apologize for sharing God's power and God's love with everyone. 

don't worry. i'll always take care of you.

Dancing Fool

(it may look like he is playing hopscotch, but he was actually dancing a little jig down the hopscotch drawing)

Busy, busy, busy

Wow.....have I been neglectful! I didn't realize how far behind I have become, but we are still here and I do plan to keep updating when I get a few minutes! I just realized the other day I still have never blogged about our mission trip - LAST summer! Oops! I do plan on doing that soon. As I prayed about it, I believe that it was so overwhelming that I actually needed a year to give some distance and make it more comprehensible. It is a trip I pray I never forgot - God moved in so many ways and has changed my life so much since that trip!

It's been busy for us this summer and isn't going to slow down any time soon. We've gone to Adventureland with the youth group; had VBS - we did GoFish Guys "Backstage with the Bible" (so fun!!); lots of swimming, fishing, and baseball; Aidan's 8th birthday; 2 surgeries - tubes for Hannah/tubes, adenoids, and tonsillectomy for Aidan; Fourth of July in Dubuque; Hannah was a flower girl in a wedding (more on that later!); and my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. Praise God for such a tangible, concrete example of what marriage should look like - we are incredibly blessed! We've also survived the longest part of year end (huge accomplishment for me this year!!). I'll update soon on all that - each hopefully with their own post!

Now Austin is at church camp (I so wish we could all go, but due to year end for Steve, it never works for us in July). Then we start the rush to hurry up and finish up 4H projects before Austin and Aidan go to Grandpa Rick's for a few days in the end of July. When they come home, they have one day to finish up their projects and then starts our fair. After that, Steve and I are going on a "second honeymoon" of sorts. I am so excited!!! I have wanted to go away for our anniversary, but we both really need it now! We have not gone anywhere alone for even one night (other than to have a baby) since long before the triplets were born - and I really think the last time we did was when I was pregnant with Aidan. EIGHT years ago! In fact, I know that's the last time we went away alone. I am so looking forward to the time reconnecting without our children - every marriage needs it! We had thought about going back to where we went for our honeymoon, but decided instead that we have never been to the state fair alone, sans children, so that is what we are doing. And there is so much more to do; we already have quite the list! I honestly could care less where we go or what we do - I get five days alone with my husband! It doesn't get much better than that!!

Immediately after we get home, school begins for the triplets and Aidan. I am going to start Hannah in some very simple, unstructured preschool stuff this fall and Austin will begin his 2nd year homeschooling as a sophomore after Labor Day. I can't wait for the day when I am able to homeschool all of them, but for now, Austin still needs one-on-one and the Lord is guiding us to continue this way.

We're still here - I'm still planning on updating here - I'm just so far behind right now. Hopefully, I'll be able to get back in a regular rhythm in the fall!

Happy July, everyone!!