Thursday, September 2, 2010

Infertility Blessings and Ponderings - Childhood Desires and Adoption

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~Jeremiah 29:11

I have been thinking a lot today about our struggles with infertility and the amazing ways in which the Lord worked through all of it. Looking at our family today, many people would believe that it was easy for us to create a family and we take it for granted -when truly it was and is anything but. I know people believe this who do not know us and have not met us....I know this because I know it was how I felt when I even saw a family with two children just eight short years ago. I feel the Lord is wanting me to share a bit of our struggle today to encourage someone. I'm not sure who, and I'm not sure why exactly, but I pray He uses this post to give hope to someone reading who may be struggling and I just don't know it. I'm also not real sure of my thought process as I even begin this post....I just have a driving force to share whatever it is that I am about to share, so please forgive me if it doesn't flow nicely or even make complete sense.

Growing up, I always wanted six children - believe it or not I even wanted five boys and a little girl at the end. Do I believe now that God gave me that very specific desire? Absolutely! As a child, anyone who knew me will tell you, I was I always 'pregnant.' When I was little, I wanted to be first a mommy and then president of the United States (for a long time, I really believed I would be, too). As I got older and realized I needed more concrete goals by societies standards, I really still wanted to do something in politics, so figured I would become a lawyer and then eventually be a senator. To me, this did not seem unattainable. But still, I wanted to be a mom first and foremost. I think the whole lawyer thing only really was because all I really wanted was to be a stay at home mom, but by that time, I knew that wasn't an acceptable answer. In truth, deep down, I just really wanted to get married and start a family as quickly as possible.

I didn't necessarily go about this the "correct" way. Fresh out of high school, I met someone. Did I think that he was "the one?" I'm not sure I ever really believed he was. Did I think that he was the right person to begin a family with? I'm fairly positive I knew he wouldn't be around - no matter how much I tried to fool myself at first. Turns out, I got pregnant relatively easily that time. There was a lot of turmoil in the relationship and in my pregnancy and by the time Austin was born, his biological father was no longer involved. I did desire him to have a strong relationship with Austin at that time, but it was not to be. Looking back, I am so very thankful he was willing to relinquish parental rights to Steve so that we were able to begin our family as a "real" family. No, it wasn't easy going through that transition (for reasons which we now totally understand), but God has worked through all of that, also. Steve's adoption of Austin was complete on November 21....just three months after we got married.

(OK, I had meant for this to be a one-post deal, but as I'm writing this, I'm realizing it will be much longer than that. So, I'll post the next part tomorrow and in the days to come!)

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